Call of Duty: Class Warfare?

Details regarding the newest Call of Duty game were announced today, including its subtitle: Class Warfare.

That title carries over into the central theme of the game, which finally forces players to stake claims in the ultimate two-sided battle: the Haves versus the Have-Nots.

Set during America’s darkest hours of conflict and depravity, 2009, players assume the role of either Leroy Khalid, two-time con, father of twelve and reluctant leader of the Have-Nots, or Remington von Remington III, bratty heir to the Silver Bags financial empire. Vying for control of America, these two men wage military campaigns against one another across classic American landscapes and monuments. Whether it’s a shootout at the Valley Forge Shopping Complex and Burrito Emporium or an explosives-fueled food fight at the drive-through of Wang’s Probably Mostly Chicken under the watchful gaze of the 200-foot chocolate Buddha statue, Class Warfare promises to deliver a slice of vintage Americana.

New weapons should mark a number of series premieres, as well. The Have-Nots will boast an array of creative weaponry. Additions like half-empty Slurpee cups and discarded blonde hair weave look poised to become series staples. Also new to this sequel is the total absence of one side of the war. The Haves will not resist the Have-Nots in Class Warfare, at least not directly. Taking a cue from real-world war, they will instead enlist the poor and middle-class to fight their war for them. Remember, when you choose the Have side in multiplayer, you’re not just fighting for you. You’re also fighting for some rich jailbait starlet-wannabes right to sex and blow without consequences.

Call of Duty: Class Warfare’s retail strategy dovetails from its contents. The game will be sold across many different editions, each with its own perks. Known as the Call of duty Accelerated Sales, Terms and Ease club, or CASTE, the program highlights appropriate value for varying income groups. The base unit will be priced at $30, and though it will not include the game, it will very sensibly include a “dirty window with clear smudge” through which you can watch others play, preferably while you shiver in the cold. Prices go up from there to the final apex of $5,000,000, which includes its own armed military that you can send to the houses of your online opponents to ensure that you never lose.